Demanding Apologies
I think many people have experienced or seen children being “forced” by a parent or teacher to apologize even when the child doesn’t agree or feel that they did anything to apologize for.
I think that this creates, among many other things, the idea that it makes sense to “demand” an apology as adults from another person. And also, that they must apologize.
It also creates the false notion that there is no peace, no “resolution” possible, unless and until they do.
I would like to offer a different possibility based on an experience I recently had.
After a hurtful exchange, I requested an apology from the other person without force.
This is the first time I’ve ever done this but it felt just right.
I sent a message more or less like this:
“I’d really love to hear this:
“I’m sorry that I spoke to you that way. I’m sorry for putting you down and lashing out, which you DO NOT deserve. I messed up and I’m sorry, and I promise not to do that again. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness”.
You do not have to do this. I’m just telling you what I would love to hear.”
This is what sending this message did for me:
It helped me take accountability for my own peace and health.
It included my view that we cannot force anyone to apologize.
It named the hurtful act and what kind of treatment I feel I deserve (which reinforces and reminds me and them of my boundaries).
It had the element of speaking up for myself.
It might have planted a seed in the other to self-reflect, that may or may not grow.
It communicated the fact that mistakes can happen without shaming the other, or hating anyone, and offered a way to repair.
I did not lash out, keeping my own conscience clean.
I did not wait or need the apology to come from the other person to forgive (which I already have done since I have learned over the years how to do this almost instantly). Reminder that forgiveness does not mean continuing the relationship or anything else other that what happens in our own hearts.
The person has not responded to my message yet, and perhaps never will. I have no idea.
This is not in my control.
I’m not sure I responded to this situation “perfectly” but I do know that I have already processed most of the hurt (it’s a process) and already found my peace and inner resolution no matter the outcome.
That’s my only job, in my view.
I share this story in the hopes that it can offer someone else an idea of how to respond in a way that, in my view, feels non-violent towards myself and the other.
I am learning more about non-violence these days in ways that are quite different than I used to see this concept.
I’m working on a little book”lit” on this as I explore this topic deeper and hope to share it soon.
Wishing everyone a wonderful Sunday and holiday!
Sandy 🌹
Gratitude Section
Today, I am feeling deep gratitude for those who attended the online Courage Circle this week to provided healthy, respectful listening to each other. I will share information next week on how to join us.
Events
Jan 3, 2026 - POWER FULL Workshop
In Person at Ashtanga Yoga Montreal
Are you ready to feel POWER FULL?
Join me for a nourishing and interactive 2-hour workshop designed especially for the Ashtanga community.
Together, we will explore the profound difference between living from Power and using Force, which drains energy and creates tension.
We will discuss the Ten Powers that exist and are available to you at all times. This workshop will help you get clarity about how you can live in Peace and Power in these turbulent times.
Register here:
Thanks Sandy for this wonderful example of how to take responsibility for one’s own feelings and needs. We can make requests and share our experiences and then allow for no agreement or response. That, to me, is true healing. Completing the process within self through expression works and is powerful.
I think this is a great example from a fresh lived experience and how you navigate it according to your values that you've been sharing. No doubt it will inspire :)